I woke up with my heart heavy today. I dreamt of you. I dreamt that you had things you wanted to say to me, in the form of a nicely folded origami letter. I vaguely saw some words you wrote, but did not get to read it all. That’s everything I want to say to you, you said.
I guess that’s the closure you’d want to have. Or perhaps, the closure I think you want. Or if I’m really honest with myself, the closure I want (but never wanted/dared to admit, or to go back to find).
I never found the space to truly grieve over this relationship that I hold so dear to my heart. There was some point I didn’t even want to recognise or admit the legitimacy of this relationship. But that was all because of guilt, and denying it was easier than facing up to it – I know I was wrong, and that I let you down…
We spoke a few months back, and we both got to know a little more about why things happened the way they did. I never thought that I was responsible too, so naturally I felt really bad. I always blamed you, blamed the mismatch, but alas, it started from me, it turns out. What a mess I am, lol.
I never really admitted or showed you before, but I did have strong feelings for you. I remember consciously or subconsciously trying to create more opportunities to spend time together, and I remember how every little moment meant so much to me. I remember I cried when I received that 電子情書 – I even remember the date clearly, still (now I’ve lost those messages, sadly). I remember not sleeping well for two weeks after the mixed messages. I also remember the sunflower we tried to plant, and how we grieved over its sacrifice to a snail (probably). I remember waiting eagerly for you to ask me out after your FYP ended but to no avail lol. I remember the late night snaps and how just knowing that you were online with me at 3am kept me going, even though we didn’t speak much. I remember that final confession using stickers – so ridiculous but so irreplaceable too. I remember you said you would bring bread for me on your graduation day, and I remember how hungry I was waiting for the bread I never got LOL. I remember despite the distance and lack of time spent together, I still want to share all that I’ve learnt and all that I was thinking with you. I remember writing so many poems and my very first songs, and they’re all about you. Whether it was love or not, I’m not entirely sure, but I wanted a future with you, I wanted to get to know every part of you and I wanted you to know every part of me. I wanted us to work so bad. But I guess I didn’t know how. You were too special to me, and I did not want to “spoil” any part of it. If I’m not wrong, you felt the same. And so, things moved really slowly.
I guess it moved so slowly that I got tired of questioning and wondering every day. We were not 100% being ourselves. We did not have enough emotional exchanges. We did not have (/ create) the time and space to get to know each other more, both inside and out. We did not yet open up to each other. Our exchanges were mostly over text – although I appreciate every bit of it, it was not enough for me. Sadly, I never mentioned that, for fear of appearing too needy. I wanted to match what you were doing so I don’t seem like the crazy one (?).
Well, after things became official, we were further separated by time – limited time to have any exchange over text at all. I guess this worsened the already shaky foundation that we had.
And that was when I decided I wanted to leave. Honestly, I never wanted to leave. But I experienced how effortless exchanges could be, and how freeing it is to be entirely “myself” in front of someone else – no questioning and wondering.
I made a selfish decision to put an end to the seemingly endless questioning and wondering. And I hurt you so bad. So, so bad.
Sometimes I do look back and think… what if I didn’t leave? What if we went on? I’m sure at some point the questioning and wondering will stop, as we both put in effort to make the relationship work. As we communicate more, as we open up to each other, I’m sure we’ll work out… I think?
Maybe I got sick of taking things slow. Maybe I craved any action that stop me from wondering and answers without questioning, but never dared to bare my needs. But yeah, I took the “easy way out”, I guess? And with any decision, there’s no going back.
I’m sorry I gave up on us so soon. I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you. I’m sorry I cannot be there to help you heal. I’m sorry to have probably destroyed your outlook on love. I’m sorry that this letter came so late.
This is me grieving over what we could have been, and all the what ifs in between. Maybe in a parallel universe, we would be happily together. While we can never go back to where we were before, I’m still glad we shared this part of our lives together. I’m happy where I am now, and I hope you will find your own happiness too!
I still think of you (and us) sometimes, and I always wonder if you’re doing well. I sure hope you are, and will always be well.
If you do see this, feel free to reach out. You still mean a lot to me, and will always have a friend in me.
Last but not least, thank you.
Thank you for everything. :)
Contemplative thoughts on life 