we were without any fear
we did not have any care
somehow we thought (or assumed) that
we could be together –
always and forever
we had the whole future ahead of us
without making any concrete plans
we were so, so sure of ourselves
but forgot the most important part –
to lay the ground
we enjoyed every moment together
the future did not seem so far
we saw only a future of ‘ours’
but i guess we were still pretty far –
from maturity
time passed and we grew up
somehow we grew apart
our dreams seemed to take us further
but further from each other –
from the future of ‘ours’
with the ground shaky
perhaps even void and weak
cracks quickly turned into crumbles
not long before it goes to shambles
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
but for us the distance apart
catalysed the breakdown process
and culminated in a breakup –
it was really a roller coaster ride
i’ll always remember us though
two fearless kids without a care
loving without understanding
what exactly love is about
the lessons learned from this love
will bring us through the rest of our lives
and although it did hurt really bad
i still wanna say
(from the bottom of my heart)
This thought has been on my mind for a while now (maybe a week or so?), and I find that it has really helped me to shift my mindset and hence my general outlook on life – not a super big thing, but pretty significant, I would say.
I’ve always been pretty caught up with the idea of finding the right place or right direction – kind of like how people talk about the “right one” – I thought I would know when it comes. After graduation, I naturally thought about finding the right career/ path to go on.
The first job did not turn out great, perhaps there were a few factors at play – relationship with my mentor, steep learning curve, everyday being a challenge, the stress I imposed on myself to perform well, time and energy required beyond work hours, being emotionally and physically drained everyday, etc.
All these things led me to the conclusion that it wasn’t right for me. I didn’t feel excited to go to work, in fact, I even dreaded it at some point. I wasn’t performing well, it seemed like the effort I put in never showed up in the results.
Granted, it may just be a matter of time, as I had just started, everything was new, I was untrained, etc. But it just didn’t feel… right. All the signs seem to be pointing towards the “non-rightness” of it.
So, I left.
The process of deciding to leave was painful, but I felt a great sense of relief after. In fact, I felt excited – I was getting closer to what is right for me!
Now, in the second job (I’m only around 1 month in), it was even more challenging than the one before – in different ways altogether, but definitely more challenging. 2-3 weeks in, I was questioning myself once more – why am I doing this? I didn’t see the meaning of doing this in light of what I thought I wanted my life to be, the direction I thought I wanted to head. What’s the point?
Then came the big question…
What is it that you really want to do? What direction are you heading? What meaning are you looking for?
This brought me back to reality, in a way, because I’d always thought I knew what I wanted, what direction I was heading, but honestly… it’s pretty cloudy. I know the rough direction but don’t know what to do/ how to get there.
Then it hit me.
Instead of focusing on calibrating/ figuring out/ making clear where you wanna head, what you wanna become – and then feeling overwhelmed and lost and scared because it’s such a big decision to make – and then only after having “figured things out”, laying down the things to do to get there…
Just focus on doing the next right thing.
My dad always tells me (tries to tell me) that even when you’re lost, just keep moving. The right place and right direction is not going to find you when you’re not moving. Just keep doing the next right thing, and you’ll end up where you’re meant to be.
We don’t choose who we become (or perhaps, we can’t really do that), but we can always, always choose to do the next right thing. And every right thing we do, will lead us closer to being at the right place, going in the right direction.
So yes, I may be lost for now, but I’m really not. I’ll simply do the next right thing, always.
(inspired by a song from Frozen 2 – listen below!)
All these feelings
Of sadness
Of pain
Of brokenness
Will not be for nothing
In fact
They will make you stronger
Bring you closer
To where you’re meant to be
Who you’re supposed to become
Meanwhile
Breathe
Hang in there
and prioritise self-care
Contemplative thoughts on life 